Toyang's Journal

I knew it had to come for me one way or another. But getting chicken pox when you're twenty is really un-cool, especially when vanity and being self-conscious has taken root much deeper than when you went into puberty.

Perhaps that's one of the things which I had learned from this week of having the pox. With all the focus on looking good and looking flawless, one forgets how beautiful he or she is already without the need to fit into the beauty stereotype. Aside from that, I also realized the many daily things I took for granted, such as the ease in which I could sit down, the comfort I felt when lying down and the simple pleasure of having a nice warm bath.

Being sick surely bursts your bubble, but for sure there's a way to take that opportunity to pause and think about the things you've forgotten recently. I was all ready to go and start my whole marathon of getting into academics again. And then BAM! I got sick. Whether I liked it or not, the world was gonna go on, and I was going to have to rest unless I actually dared to walk out in public with a polka-dotted face. (Oh Lord, I hope the dots are all gone by Monday)

When things look down, you really do have only two choices... either you take all that with a frown and biting pessimism, or with a smile of hope that things are going to be better.

And I'd dare say that there's truth to this...


that you can survive on humor more than food.

Helping out today with graduation, I felt alien to everything that was taking place. I knew I was supposed to be doing something, and I did attend to the little duties I had. But aside from that, seeing everyone in their toga, sporting their becca and falling in line made me see everything in a 3rd person POV when it's finally my turn to be recognized as a graduate.

It's a weird feeling. Like one of those dreams where you see yourself, and you're hovering from afar, watching everything take place helplessly.

And all I could think about as I watched everything transpire was that... there are some things which I can no longer change to make things better for that fateful day. But there are also things which await a simple action from me to change the outcome of things completely.

Part of me is excited for those who have decided to go on, let go and proceed to job-hunting. Another part is too anxious about going into deeper studies, now at my own pace, to contribute something to the academe.

Good luck to us all, whatever our choices had been. :)

Maroon 5's song was just playing in my head all day. Infatuation.

Our music teacher once told us that when LSS occurs, one should take a moment to think about why it has to be THAT song. (I guess it isn't applicable to novelty songs, since they repeat phrases so much it's a surprise you don't jump off a cliff to make it all stop.)

After finding the lyrics though... it makes me think twice why it had to be THIS song.




Baby, I don’t want to spend my life on trial
For something that I did not do
And maybe if you stopped and looked around some time
I wouldn’t pass right by you

Maybe it’s because you are so insecure
Maybe your plain don’t care
Maybe it’s the chase that really gets me off
I fall so when it’s just not there

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

Try to put my finger on what burns me up
It always seems to escape me
And when you have decided that you’ve had enough
Just tell me where I need to be

Now her face is something that I never had
To ever deal with before
She left me with the feeling that she’d had enough
And I’m the one wanting more

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
And I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

I’m so attracted to you
The feeling’s mutual too
And I get scared the moment you leave
Get so hot I forget to breathe, yeah

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Yeah… (I want it…)

I'm sure everyone, consciously or unconsciously, is in search of that small amount of peace. Inner peace, to be completely at ease, satisfied and happy with oneself, and with others. The problem is that we often mistake those seemingly "sources of peace" with temporal things. Things which, if we just cleared our mind to realize, actually make us worse even if it initially makes us superficially happy.



Today, the words from the welcoming speech for the incoming freshmen made me question a lot of things, especially since I would be graduating this year if not for the fact that I decided to give one more year to pursue further studies. Using a recent movie as reference, the speaker asked us what our treasure was... what our GOLD was. Meaning, was our attendance in the university in order to find the gold at the end of the adventure. But what kind of gold were we after? The monetary kind, or invaluable kind-- knowledge.

And last night, after finding some possible part time jobs, I wondered what I had achieved in four years. Could I dare say that I was ready to contribute to working society? Or was I simply looking for money, despite the incongruity between my field of study and the kind of work I would be doing?

At the end of it all, you must ask yourself what sort of principles you hold... because only then will you realize yourself, and ever find some sense in whatever it is you do, and want to keep doing it.

It's already "tomorrow", and I still can't sleep. (which explains why I'm blogging now)

Tomorrow morning me and P chan will be off to the convention at MOA, and we'll be having our costumes in tow. Goodness, you have no idea how much fussing we went through to get it all together. But I have to admit that doing a lot of driving this week has helped me improve a lot, especially when it comes to avoiding other drivers who want to get their way. (Yay! I'm slowly becoming an aggressive driver!)

So anyway, earlier today me and P went to Ruins to get that pair of slippers. It was "pasadya" so it was really amazing that we found the perfect slippers to go with our costume. Too bad they didn't have the size for the design P initially wanted for her embroidered slippers, but she got blue ones which look good with her costume anyway. I got simple tatami ones which are lined with black, and the fit was just fine too.

The funny thing was that it was "brownout" when we were completing our shopping. Good thing we left around 5, coz any later would mean we would have to find our way through candlelight in that place. (Yipes! @_@)

Before we left, I grabbed a copy of Princess Hours, Coffee Prince and Witch Yoo Hee. All thanks to me and my mom's viewing experience during weekday afternoons. I hate how there are more commercials, not to mention how they already cut the viewing time to 30 minutes even if an episode is an hour long.

The only problem now though is that the subtitles really suck. My head started to hurt somewhere in the middle of episode two of Witch Yoo Hee... but the story's too interesting to just drop. So.. good luck with that I guess. O_o;

Sample subtitles:

"You can get tubercol of the bones."  (...What?)

"Leader, you do not know the leader." (too many leader's... @_@;)

"Companion, do not worry." ("companion is used for siblings and spouses so... I wouldn't know @_@)

"You come to our next class meeting!" (referring to "reunion")

"tmd!" (I think this meant it was a bad word?)

"You want me to pretend to be lover, and now you kick. Where are we?" (And he says this after sitting there for the past fifteen mins.?)


sample conversation:

boss: "Did you see nail paint?" (secretary was painting her nails earlier.)
sec: "uhm, no no!" (but then the boss asks something and the sec covers her mouth so reveals her painted nails.
boss: "So you nail paint! Remove that hideousness at once!" (sec nods)

@__@;; uwaaaahhhh! there's a lot more, but sadly I chose not to store it in my memory. LOL

You grimace as you take in that first full sip of black coffee. You said you wouldn't have it any other way.

"What brings you here?" I ask, avoiding your eyes, lest I forget my question.

You don't bother to look up anyway, staring into that void created within the cup. Perhaps that's why you prefer it black-- a feast for your eyes rather than your palate. "Nothin'," you answer with little care.

I'm right beside you, holding my own cup of coffee with both hands. Watching the stream of white smoke find its way into my senses. I hadn't taken a single sip.

"It's good to see you again," I say, feeling a little light-headed and wondering if you even heard me. You stay silent, but finally look up at me, waiting for me to gaze back at you. And you flash that sly smile, the one which always told me that you knew what you were doing-- even if in truth you were close to another one of your crash-and-burn days.

I hate how you do that... because you always convince me with that smile that you'll be okay.

"I'd say the same thing," you answer. You're as dull as ever. I have to pry everything to find out what's happening with you, don't I?

"So how's everything for you now?" A desperate question I reserve to avoid awkward silences. I know how you've been, what I want to know is how you got to that state. And again, you're enchated by the illusion of emptiness in your cup. I'll remember that look on your face, I think that's all I'll remember of you.

"Well, to be honest," you begin, somewhat hesitating, "it hasn't been too good these days. But I think I'll manage." And again a smile, this time a soft one. Perhaps you haven't convinced yourself either.

"Oh? You know what they say, misery loves company..." what the hell am I saying?

"Ah. Haha... I guess." You respond with a sudden lightness in demeanor-- at least for that moment.

"Tell me about it," I offer, "they say talking about it helps,"

"Who's 'they'?"

I think you got me there.

"Doesn't matter," I answer, "just... talk to me."

"Like before?"

I wish there was a way to better, more accurately describe it... the way images flow into your brain at the mention of one word. Images which tell an entire story-- years, months, days, compiled into a milisecond of recalling, coupled with a revival of pains you might have thought had always been slumbering in your heart, waiting for that moment to be re-awakened. All complex emotions turned into one jabbing, stinging sensation in the pit of your stomach and at the very core of your heart.

"Hm," I smile politely. The fear to look into your eyes, it's gone. It might have been overcome by the pain of a hurt ego, you making me remember my weakness. I wonder if "before" meant the same thing to you. Our conversations; two lonely beings finding some amount of peace in knowing that someone is interested to listen. That someone is just there because you're there. That intimacy, misunderstood for something else. An intimacy rejected, misunderstood and denied of anything deeper. Is that what you meant?

But then I realize how right now I can actually say that... you need me. Maybe not tomorrow, or the days after. But right now, you don't need her. You need me. And I suppose that's enough.

I stare into my cup of black coffee, my thoughts swallowed up by the rich, black color contrasted by the dull-colored mug. And your words, your "not having it any other way", gained an entirely different meaning.


"Hm," I say again, and meet your searching gaze, "yes, like before."

I've recently been finding it very difficult to sleep. But last night, I was able to catch a program on NHK which featured different topics regarding pop culture. That evening's topic was UrumaDelvi animations. They interviewed Uruma and Delvi, a husband and wife who have gained a lot of popularity and recognition around the world for their animations which never fail to appeal to both kids and adults. Watching a couple of sample animations that they finished, I was amused with how they combined very simple but brightly-colored characters with a storyline driven and accompanied mostly by catchy music.

    The latest animation UrumaDelvi finished has become very popular among kids and adults in Japan-- "Ushiri Kajiri Mushi". The theme song of this character sticks to your head, makes it difficult to forget. (Kinda reminds me of the novelty songs over here... except the novelty songs are ten times annoying). Anyway, this character is a bug/fairy who bites (the bottoms) of people who are unhappy. And needless to say, the person becomes happy after being bitten. Just so you can see what Ushiri Kajiri Mushi looks like, here's the website.

    Aside from the animations they had finished, they also showed a computer program they were developing. A very interesting one, at that! It's an animation program that's very simple, I'd say anyone can make an actual animated short story. Check out the demo !

I swear I've gained about ten pounds (if not more). And because of the combined summer heat and my adjusting sleeping patterns, my complexion's gotten much, much worse.

Ack, I know I never really cared about being the "it" girl, or whatever you call it but... being this sluggish and gaining weight makes me feel disgusted with myself. I'm definitely having second thoughts about cosplaying... *sniff* Augh!

And I just realized that my birthday's a week away. Ho-ho-ho-hoooo... haaalloooooo twenty one!

Being twenty one feels weird. it's as if I don't want to listen to it. Which is funny, because when I turned 20 last year, I felt like the whole world was going to crash on me if I didn't get a driver's license soon, attain some extra cash and learn how to handle all sorts of personal accounts. I felt like time had left me behind and I had to double time so I could have that advantage in the world... that sense of purpose.

But now... I feel like I don't really care if I'm worthless. Or maybe, no, that's not it. More like, I don't really know what to do. I don't know what to expect, what to strive for or to look forward to anymore. There's this numbing sensation of apathy, which I just don't understand because in the past I would find a LOT of things to be happy about.

Either this feeling's rubbed off on me because of something or someone OR I actually have changed my perception yet again and this time for the more numbing side of reality.

I feel absolutely incapacitated to even try. How sad is that?

And behind everything that used to scare me, every thought that would just enter my head and send me back to reality, I'd just silently answer with a "so what?" and that gets everything quiet.

Ugh. Must be the summer heat.

Argh. I just couldn't help it. I signed up for another blog. This time it's in sanriotown. LOL!
And to think it all started with an email from my cousin.

because I can be a dweeb in my own special way.

And as I was browsing a couple of blogs in there, I also found "Kero keroppi's blog"

It just amuses me that these characters have blogs of their own. I'm learning more about them everyday. And to think I wasn't much of a Sanrio fan until I grew a penchant for Kero just last year. Hohoho!

Anyway, that aside...

Today our little village's nook for pirated DVDs was raided. Me and dad just watched as we saw the place being cleaned out. Well, so much for that... I was expecting it to happen eventually.

And lo and behold. We drove by later that evening, as we went out for ice cream... and it was up and running again! Business as usual. Amazing.

O_o

Oh. And my birthday's a couple of weeks away. I don't feel the same pressure as I did last year. I guess it's partly because I actually did a lot of things I promised to within the year. A lot less frustration then, on my part. But still... 21 is like... old. I know 18's supposed to be the legal age but 21 is a whole different thing. You're actually supposed to be an adult by that time, you know? You get that feeling. *LOL*

I'm making a little list of things I want. The list for things I need has been made and is safely tucked under my pillow. :P

1. A typewriter that works.
I remember making a list before and this was in it. And yes, I still want a typewriter XD

2. a PSP
ugh. there are no words. PSP!

3. A new battery for Dell
Because my laptop battery doesn't last longer than ten minutes. ARGH! And according to mom, if I order c/o my sister all the way in the US of A, it'll cost about 300 bucks... a little more and I could actually get a new laptop anyway.

4. (verb alert) to find my watercolor set.
Here's another thing that frustrates me every time I remember it. I still haven't been able to find my watercolor set. I wonder where in the house it could have possibly run off to @_@;



hm. I think that's about it for now. This list is actually the "expensive" version. I've got another list for the simple joys which I want for my birthday. (Haha, andaming category...) but here are a few of them:

1. a merienda with Pan de manila bread, a cup of coffee milk and ham with my friends... and we shall all just talk until the sun sets.

2. To get my window barred. Because I'm still traumatized from the break-in last year.

3. To have a lunch with all-grilled seafood with family. YUM!

4. To bake a cake for myself and eat it with everyone around. (yes, I think my cooking skills have improved in such a way that I do't food poison myself anymore XD)



*sigh* a year older already. Where does the time go? @_@

It's not at all healthy to be constantly pressured with the work you do. In the sense that you no longer find any source of consolation or joy in what you're doing, and are left with social and material motivators to keep you from abandoning the activity. It is even more difficult to keep working, if it is work which is done out of your personal interest and time. But if ever you do commit yourself to fulfill a particular output in the company of others with the same interest, at the very least you are expected to see to it that you have accomplished what you agreed to... that's both respect and common sense placed in one action.

And this is all for the simple reason that, for every work that you neglect to do, someone else suffers the consequence. And if you haven't enough sensibility to care about that, then you may well be not only the one of the many insensitive people of the world which contribute to its possibly-eventual ruin (that's assuming that people like you will reproduce and instill that kind of mentality in your offspring)... but not even worth anybody else's time and effort. If you haven't the least humanity to care about the people who suffer from your irresponsibility, why would you demand that you deserve consideration for your well-being from others?

And yet, you'll keep thinking you do. It's natural... but it's also delusional.

In the event that other circumstances make it difficult for you to accomplish the work at all... personal standards, as well as emotional and intellectual strength come into play. At that point, you make a decision about whether the activity you are engaging in is worth giving up all the other things which may or may not be better than your final output. But above anything else, you must be cautious when the trade-offs concern your spiritual life, your growth as a person (and these would consist of emotional, spiritual and mental development) and most especially your self-respect. Giving up any of those will make it all terribly difficult to find anything (worthwhile) left when your final output is finally completed. And very soon, you may be asking yourself why you even bothered to start that other project in the first place... "in the end, it wasn't even worth it."  Pitiful.



And so why "Pressure and Pleasure"?

Partially because of the interesting alliteration "pl" and "pr" produce, which amused me...

and mostly because they refer to the two basic instincts every animal has-- pleasure and pain.

What makes us any different as animals is that we can and (actually) do put a lot of meaning in whatever it is that we are doing. In the end, we still respond to pain and pleasure, and would naturally tend to avoid what hurts and lean towards what pleases.

There is much more to our decisions than a whim based on natural instincts-- be it politics, one's social status or a personal goal. To transcend beyond the instinctual reaction to pleasure and pain becomes both a choice and a new path trodden on that road towards desiring to actually be human, and it begins when we put meaning into our work and actually consider those who benefit from it.

And to end this random musing...

The man who does his work well and efficiently may be worth admiring... but the one who has put thought into what he has works on not only finds that he would want to work, with efficiency and a drive to perfect his craft, but that it  would be unnecessary to keep reminding him to do so.

 

I've been looking for Ayami Kojima's works for the longest time. I remembered seeing them years ago when a friend showed me a couple of her works, and when I finally got to play Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Her style was simply amazing, a combination of japanese anime minimalist style and of Western realism and classicism. Her works never fail to inspire me when I paint.

    Just a few days ago, I finally found a website that had a vast collection of different Japanese anime, manga and game artists. And the quality of the pictures are really good too! Check it out for yourselves: Aethereality

And now off I go to indulge in some more artworks and swoon like cuh-razy! @_@

Never fails to amaze me how people can reveal their deepest, most embarrassing or most disturbing secrets online for everyone to see.

But of course, nobody knows who they are anyway. What catches my attention is the fact that there are times when I can relate to a couple of posted secrets. XD (Way to go, Ria chan! Reveal what secrets you can relate to!) Well, not every secret posted is embarrassing or disturbing... some are just downright depressing. O_o ...some are amusing. @_@

If you don't know about the page yet. Check it out



Now, back to the paperwork T_T;

Just a couple more requirements to fulfill before I can finally have my summer break!

• a paper on taiko drums
• a paper about the tranvia
• an exam on Issues in Euro His
• an exam on Work and Society

    On second thought... I won't be on break just yet since we have to add the finishing touches for the yearbook. So officially, everything will be done by May 1st. Hopefully earlier. Rawr.
    Despite the number of things left to do, the season waits for no one... I can feel the summer heat already. The sun shines so brightly you could fry an egg on the pavement before noontime  comes along. O_o
   
 :::

So many plot bunnies running here and there. The funny thing is, I can't seem to catch any of them. Or if ever I do catch one, it turns out to be all white, or all black. Nothing interesting. I want a story that has an ending that would tie everything up together! Something that may not be as out-of-this-world as science fiction novels, or as commonplace as the "real-life" themes, but just to get your mind off of things for a moment.

Writing is a passion, just as it is a culmination of skill and capacity to put words together and paint a picture. And if the writer isn't interested in the story to begin with, then how can he ignite the interest of his readers?

http://urworldvision.blogspot.com

Guys, please do check out the recent entries of this site. Just recently they held a "Share Your World Vision" contest and now six entries have been selected. Please review these essays and share your insights and comments about them. :) You comments really count, and in fact the result of this contest is at the mercy of actively-commenting readers.

It's summer already, and I'm going to turn 21 in a couple of months. The whole idea seems weird to me, although I was actually able to accomplish a number of things I really did want back when I turned 20. In a way, despite all the anger and frustration I felt when I realized how much left behind I was, now I've actually accomplished most of them. The funny thing is that it feels as if I don't find any interest in them anymore.

Finally got a driver's license
Went through the dorm life all over again
Actually got my share of social gatherings
worked professionally, using my talent

And a lot more of firsts which at the moment I am unable to recall.

For some reason, I'm at the crossroads again about my goals. It's always been the case that before I can move forward with something, I have to know who I am, what I can do and what I cannot. When that's a blur, and when the task I'm undertaking seems to be unable to give me answers to that, I feel utterly worthless. I'm as good as a zombie when it comes to the work I'd be doing. That's partly the problem with being passion-driven in work. On one hand it's really good when the passion's there because you exert so much effort to get everything right. But when the passion is missing, your output's seems to be only good for the trash bin.

I kinda miss this account. I didn't realize I had so many subscriptions which I check up on everyday. @o@

Anyhow, fine, for old times' sake (last week palang ako gumawa ng bagong acct ah...) a little update.

Finally, after XXX months, my scanner is up and working again!!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!

and just in time too. So many works to be scanned! But thanks to P chan, I got a number of works up and posted when I needed them. :D

My computer is acting funny again.

This goes for the desktop.

funny qualification #

1: there are times when it loads programs on its own.
2: it shuts down by itself. As in, while you're working, it suddenly  -POP- shuts down. ("OMG! MY PAPERRRR!!!")
3. last night I turned it off before I went up to bed. And then Manang Perla told met this morning: "Naiwan mong bukas yung computer?" because apparently she found it switched on early this morning. (OMG! MERALCOOOOO!")


Well, that's about it. Otherwise, it works pretty well. Maybe it's another virus (NOT AGAINNNNN!) or maybe it's starting to act up because of the abuse on it. (ABUSE? It's a COMPUTER for crying out loud.) I'm the primary user, next with Patty and her games, then Mom and Dad... but seriously... without bro using it more often than I do, I don't see why it's giving up on me.

Okay, so now I'm switching lj accounts. :D My new account is randomria

Add meeeeee! ^___^

I might be deleting this one by next week.
As Fall Out Boy says, "Thanks for the memories" LOL.

Whatever. :P

I'm on this frenzy of deleting old accounts. Realizing that this lj account has been up for about 4 years already, I'm thinking of switching to a username that's more "me" right now. And I also plan to make it a semi friends only journal.

My only concern is that of my friends and those who read my journal anonymously. O_o; Should I switch?

I'll wait for your replies! ^___^

Of course, when I do transfer, I'll only be informing my friends and deleting this journal. :D

another one of those wonderful family conversations...

so two weeks ago, since we were eating out, I had this sudden inspiration to pop the question to my parents. Of course, by this I mean that I asked my mom first then she asked dad, and then he answered me.

2nd Sem 2007-2008

	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat
9:00- 12:00			Performing Arts
1:30- 4:30	Issues in European History	Research Methodology	History of Ideas	Intro to History	JAP 104
4:30- 7:30				Work & Society